Evening Hosts Lampoon Trump's New 'Gold Card' Visa Scheme

Television's leading entertainers spent the airtime mocking ex-President Donald Trump's just announced immigration program, called the "Trump card," portraying it as a obvious pay-to-play system for the affluent.

Stephen Colbert's Sarcastic Take

Opening his show, Stephen Colbert presented a sardonic holiday tune directed at the president. "He's compiling a list, checking it twice, then giving that list to the people at ICE," he crooned. "The President ... destroys all he comes into contact with."

Colbert's target was the new plan which permits foreign nationals to buy U.S. legal status for an investment of one million dollars, or "premium" tier for 5 million. An official page pledges processing "with unprecedented speed."

"One thought here to wealthy immigrants: before you fork over the cash, maybe think about Canada?" Colbert quipped.

He noted that the card is also intended to "squeeze cash" from companies wanting to hire foreign workers, requiring hefty fees. "That is a lot of fees, but if you enroll, you also get a complimentary stay at a hotel of your choosing – provided that it's the that one hotel," he said.

"The most thorough vetting the U.S. government has ever done," stated Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "that $15,000 vetting to make sure these applicants truly meet the standard to be in America."

"That's important, you gotta prove you're suitable to be an American," Colbert responded. "Question one: how many burgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Blistering Critique

On his late-night program, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the visa program the "American Dream Express Card."

"It's a card that will let wealthy international individuals to live here," he stated. "In exchange for a million dollars, you get legal visitor status, you get a pathway to citizenship, and a presidential pardon for one significant crime of your selection."

"Maybe it's time to update that poem on the Statue of Liberty – forget about your tired masses. Give us a million bucks, you're in!" he joked.

Kimmel teased the simplicity of the application, saying it is "more difficult to start a Wordle account." He remarked that Trump "believes citizenship is something you can sell, like a steak."

"Indeed, the top people are the rich people," Kimmel quipped. "It's what Jesus always said! It's in the Bible. He says it's simpler for a camel to go through the eye of a needle if you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers discussing Grocery Issues

Meanwhile, Seth Meyers focused on Trump's declining poll numbers amid economic anxiety. "Voters gave Donald Trump a another term since they were angry about the economy," he said.

Recently, in a attempt to discuss affordability, Trump held a briefing in front of a display of grocery items, where he behaved strangely to some cereal.

"These look great, I think I'm going to take some of them with me to my place and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't seen Cheerios in a ages."

"He's so fucking weird," Meyers responded. "Like, you're going to take them back to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"

Meyers wrapped up by criticizing right-leaning news defenses of Trump's financial record. "Maybe rather than voicing concerns, you should give him a shiny trophy like what FIFA did," he joked.